Well, back at 'er

I went to the gym today for the first time in about a month. I'd been spending most of my evenings either at aquafit or walking around the 'hood but started getting a bit lazy, especially after being on vacation. It was good getting back into it but it wasn't easy...I left a few minutes early too. I then went to pick up a refill of the cipralex.

Some readers have privately emailed me about my post where I detailed going on anti-depressants and being diagnosed with anxiety. I'm really glad that what I wrote provoked thought. Side note: Thank you, btw for all of the encouragement. I love writing and wish I could do this for a living, that would be the dream. But I digress.  I guess I never really put true thought into the stigma attached to mental health. There are times when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. But then it doesn't seem so bad. It's fairly day-to-day. And boy, there are a lot of mental disorders out there, I'm glad I don't have some of the really bad ones. I've been dealing with someone fairly regularly who I suspect suffers from a personality disorder and while I get absolutely enraged by their behaviour, I know I must tread lightly because it's possibly not their fault. I however wish I could shove some medication down their throats so they'll deal with it once and for all. <--this person isn't you, by the way.

So how is it going for me so far? Not bad. Sometimes I forget to take my pill and it goes downhill not that day, but a few days later. It's like PMS but worse. Also, I'm not sure if this is the right stuff for me. Yes, it chills me out a little bit, but it doesn't kill the anxiety and panic...I wonder if I need something stronger.

Then THAT opens a can of worms because due to the greed and competition of pharmaceutical companies, our society is so over-drugged that we live in a truly dependent nation. Pills pills pills.
I just need to feel ...normal? That doesn't sound right. I'd like there to be a pill where I can change my whole personality and be the person that I want so badly to be but because of my mental "condition", I say things without control and the filter gets thrown out completely.

Throw kids into the mix and it's just a whole lot of jolly good fun. Try having a two year old (and/or their twin) come up to you and ask you to play and you just want to sleep the entire day away. That's tough. I love my kids with all my heart and sometimes I can't face the day. In that respect, with these pills, things have gotten a little better. I still need to figure some things out but I'm determined that I will see some light and improvement. Then I will hopefully have extracted my head out of my ass.

Catching fish and malaria

While a mosquito bite on the underside of one's knee is annoying, having a fresh bite right next to an old one is even worse. Pam cooking spray can be used to fix a squeaky door. My kids can watch Toy Story 3 on repeat over 500 times and will never get sick of it. A bikini top does not substitute for a bra.

These are some of the things I've learned while on 'vacation'. My parents, myself, the kids and my boyfriend took off for a week and stayed at a cottage on Lac Cayamant. I had expected a non-stop stressful "never again" week but it wasn't bad at all in comparison to my imagination. We didn't have to baby proof the place other than placing a gate at the top of the stairs leading to the porch. Seth could leave the room and I wouldn't worry about him. The first night was challenging trying to get the kids to sleep. Seth was a lot better than Rayna in this respect. She did not like sleeping in her pack and play, and she did not like sleeping in a strange place. The last night consisted of Wayne taking her from room to room in an attempt to get her to sleep until she passed out from sheer exhaustion...I think we were more tired than her in the end. And then Seth puked in the car on the way home...something I was famous for when I was that age.

I was definitely glad to be home but more than anything, I was glad we'd gone. This was the same lake that I visited when I was little, though it was a different cottage. Also, my parents were there, so we had backup so I could do some fishing and swimming and the occasional relaxation with a book. I had a solid week away from work, not worrying about whether or not things were getting done.

Unfortunately however, when I got back to work it was as if my vacation never happened. Such is life I guess...

I guess I can look at my scabby gross legs and choose to forget that they ever itched...that should be enough to get me to do it again next year.