Familiarizing myself with where I'm going with this rant of a blog and this is a run-on sentence

You're going to find that I will be preachy as this blog progresses, so I recommend discontinuing readership if you don't want to hear about shitty things. I read a lot of news from many different resources (and what do you know, I do that as part of my job too). I have to know what's going on in the world at all times it seems. I have to smirk slightly when I come across an article that says one thing, and then in another resource I read an article completely contradicting all of the 'facts' in the first one. "AIDS is decreasing, new pill found to prevent infection." / "HIV rates worse than ever. Pills won't work, scientists say." Who do you believe?

I read an article today that pretty much mirrored my exact gripes.

Dumb and getting dumber

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/Dumb+getting+dumber/3881124/story.html

Anyway, my daughter just woke up, she's downstairs out of bed and I completely lost my train of thought. Gaa. I'll write more later.

This broke my heart clean through.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-11814300

I intended to write about this when I found time. I still can't do it. I want you to read it, digest, and ponder. Then I want you to reflect on this poor person who was the victim of very unfortunate circumstances and an uneducated 'expert'. You can't shape someone into what they weren't meant to be. You can't force anything on anyone and have it turn out okay. The triangle shape does not fit through the circle slot. When I read things like this it convinces me even more that we are all just worm food when we die. And I wish it weren't so.

What really fucks me up

I had an entire entry planned. I had written quite a large paragraph. Then I thought better of it and deleted it because I simply don't want to share that kind of thought with anyone. All I will say is that this is a fucked up world, I fret about things that probably won't happen, and I'm an emotional wreck since having kids.

I can't watch anything without getting upset. I loved that movie, Paranormal Activity but I absolutely refuse to see PA 2 because there's a baby involved. I know what happens and that it's not real, but I'm afraid it'll fuck me up badly. But there's also a curious side to me...I have to see what happens because maybe subliminally I get a kick out of losing another piece of innocence. (The 1 Guy, 1 Jar incident still burns fresh in my mind. Don't watch it!!!) But where I used to sit stoically watching, I've found myself sitting there, bawling my eyes out uncontrollably and despairing over the fate of a character in a movie. My boyfriend gets so annoyed by this as you can imagine. (The Lovely Bones was a whole different ball game).

Maybe it's stress and the only way I can let it go is through crying when Wayne informs me that Astro Boy was created to replace a scientist's little boy who was blown up in an accident. I really can't help it.

I can relate to this chick...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_K4mAD8xnc

I think I grew up with a very naïeve impression of the world. I used to think when I was little that if someone broke into my house while I was home alone, they'd just leave and not hurt me or take anything. Now the news tells me otherwise. I'm long jaded and I wish I could go back to the blissful ignorance of being uninformed and unscathed. And to the people making shock vids, they are too funny and disgusting. Please stop.

Because it's all I know

People ask me constantly "How do you do it, managing with twins?" and I can't really process what they're asking me. I get very cavalier about it and act all "Shit, I composed a symphony last night, off 2 hours of sleep, drunk, while writing a trigonometry exam. It was the best thing to be heard in a thousand years AND I got an A+ on the exam." The truth is, it's all I know.

I only know what it's like dealing with two babies screaming in your ear, refusing to nap. barfing all over their beds, sneaking up the stairs when you're not looking, eating dirt, slapping you in the face, driving you to the loony bin muttering musings of selling children to gypsies. But I only know what it's like having two insanely sweet babies with insanely cute smiles. People often comment that it must be awesome, getting it done in one shot and they're correct. The truth is, I hated being pregnant. Some women love it so much that they refuse to stop having babies *cough* Duggars! *cough* ...Or they just really like sex and don't like contraception. I was sick for 5 1/2 months, I was jealous of those who used scooters, I was exhausted. I would never go through that again. I also get to experience the terrible two's only once (though double over).

To be honest, I can't imagine what it must be like only having one baby. Only buying enough diapers for one, only putting one to bed, only giving one bath, only making enough food for 3, only paying daycare for one. It's crazy. You parents of singletons have got it fucking made! Ok rant time. Don't bitch about your only child screaming in the middle of the night. Imagine one baby screaming in the middle of the night, waking you out of a dead sleep...and also waking up the other baby. Both screaming. Who do you get first? You can't grab both, you'd break your neck going down the stairs. You take whoever is more frantic, go downstairs, place them on the couch with a drink of water, ditch them for the other baby, lather, rinse, repeat. Then change one bum, then the other. So how do you bring one up while the other still needs you? Wake up your spouse. If you're not sleeping, neither are they.  Okay it's not that bad but it's happened.

Right now I'm listening to my daughter cry in her bed. I've got an anxious, almost panicky feeling. Don't..wake...the...other...baby! This is normal...and probably terrible for my blood pressure. I snap quite a lot easier than I used to. I get quite snarly with my boyfriend. He snarks back. I take it personally. Then after childish outbursts we make up. Yay parenthood! This is all I know.

But let me add that my parents have been an absolute godsend. Without them, we'd be completely broke and would never have any kind of social life or even see a movie or anything. Their generosity has brought me to actual tears on occasion. I am so lucky and I know it. And the twins just love them to bits right back.

But I wouldn't give any of it back...it's an otherwise awesome ride. I manage with my life, having twins because I have to. What am I going to do, not change their diapers? Give them cigarettes? Feed them sugarcube sandwiches? I'm not going to be one of those epic fail parents. And if the kids end up being weirdos, I'll blame it on the boyfriend.

<3

It gets better...

Oh there's my soapbox. Let me just get on up there...

I can't tell you how happy I am to see the "It Gets Better" campaign in full swing. The bullying against children based on their sexual orientation or because they're 'different' has finally reached crisis status in the eyes of N. America. Several kids have killed themselves because their schoolmates and peers were making their lives hell. Now that kids are dying, the world is responding. And you can bet I'm pretty disgusted that it took suicide to get peoples' attention.

In a world that boasts itself of modernity, looking forward, progressing, evolving (ok maybe not in Kansas), and learning from the past, we really are backwards in so many respects. Ok women got the vote, non-caucasians can sit where they want on the bus, it is now 'developmentally delayed' as opposed to 'retarded'. But how is it that a woman can marry the Berlin Wall, another can marry a dolphin, but two people of the same gender can't get married? What threat does this exactly pose on heterosexual people? Are they afraid that the world will 'turn gay'? Does it simply go against THEIR personal beliefs? How arrogant! See, this is why I hate most people...they think their own way is the only way. And if they say that the bible forbids it, to that I say Go. Fuck. Yourself. You can't base every rule, every theory, every law on a book that was written 1600 years ago by people who had their own agenda and used the book to further their own cause.

If you have children of your own, think about this. Your son or daughter goes to school, the other kids in their class snicker, point, whisper to each other and alienate them during class. The bell rings. At recess they corner the child, poke fun, maybe even get violent. And the child doesn't understand what they did or why the others are being this way. You love your child and you want to give him or her the best life possible but others are making their life hell because of who they are. And no matter how much reassurance that you give, your child is always going to doubt it because they know firsthand how cruel children can be. Oh it makes me sick. Kids shouldn't have that kind of stress.

And if you think that your kid isn't watching and learning when you're sitting there laughing at the designers on the house & home channel, commenting on how faggy they are, or hearing your jokes every time kd lang is on the station playing while you do your shopping, you're wrong. They hear you. They pick it up. They see that you don't approve of something and they take it with them. And don't you dare laugh it off and say "I'm not homophobic. I have gay friends." Well you're not much of a friend, are you? Stop the prejudice before it starts because it could be another little boy or girl taking their lives because of the snark you instilled in your own.

Thank you for reading, whoever you might be.

Umm...what?

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/news/court+peeks+into+bedrooms+nation+with+sexual+consent+case/3785741/story.html

What an unusual thing to read in the news...a woman took her former long time partner to court because he put a dildo in her butt while she was passed out due to him choking her during sex. The choking was with her consent but the bum stuff wasn't. Now the question is, was it rape?

Sighhhh people. I tell you, this is why things like "Safe words" were invented. If you want someone to choke you, you'll probably pass out. If you pass out, your partner can dance a jig on your forehead, dress you up like a gorilla and call you Daisy and you'd be none the wiser. You have to be specific with these kinky tendencies. If you say "I want you to choke me" you have to add "and not put things in my orifices, or do anything gross, or do anything I would normally say no to, and especially not assume that I'm going to like what you would be doing" -cuz if you don't, you're probably going to wake up with things in your butt.

Obviously I am going to say that if a person doesn't give you the go ahead to do something, you probably shouldn't...especially if they're passed out. That's just depraved and sick. Seek help. Now.

To flip the coin because I'm an asshole, she was using this as leverage in her custody battle for their child. So who the flip knows...

Why I'm scared of ghosts

I love Hallowe'en. I don't watch that much television beyond kid-centric shows on Treehouse and Destroyed in Seconds while I wait for the kids' bedtime. But I actively look for scary movies during the spooky week of the occasion. The Exorcist creeps me out, the original Amityville still makes me think I see red glowing eyes out the window at night, hell we got desperate and watched Poltergeist II a few nights ago. "Why dontcha come with meee?" On Hallowe'en night after putting the kids to bed and disabling our doorbell from trick or treaters (we were too generous with the candy...ran out) I felt like watching a movie  besides one of the Halloween flicks or Friday the 13ths, so Wayne put on Paranormal Activity.

Ok...Ewwww! That movie fucked me up. I couldn't sleep that night. I had to make sure that my foot was on Wayne's leg at all times so I could have the reassurance that he was there. I kept replaying the heavy footsteps up the stairs turning into a run and then a door slam; I kept seeing the ending...we watched a version that can only be found online, so the ending was a lot more subtle but believable than what was shown in cinemas. I can take most horror films in stride but this one was my worst nightmare.

I don't know how I feel about ghosts, whether they exist or not but the idea terrifies me. I'm the biggest sucker at haunted walks. I was staring into the reputedly most haunted cell at the Ottawa hostel, just itching to see some dirty dead guy appear out of thin air and say something like "Boooo" or "I can smell your ****" .  I of course didn't see anything but a bunch of doors slammed violently at the Col. By museum later that night.  Anyway, I had a few incidents in my old apartment in Toronto...waking dreams, a presence visiting me in my sleep on a constant basis. It was odd. I had a feeling when I moved in that there was something there but I wasn't 100% sure. Then I had a dream one night (very vivid, I was completely lucid, wide awake in a dream) that I was in my parents' basement and I saw someone on their stairs in the corner of my eye. I just instinctively *knew* it was the spirit in my apartment. I got very frightened and woke myself up before he could engage me. And this continued on once a week or so for several months. One night I was in bed, crying for some reason and I felt someone squeeze my hand. No one was there. Every time I had one of the dreams, I could sense this entity just wanted to talk to me, make no harm. But I chickened out every time. Over time I started feeling a little less uneasy about it, I even felt sorry for the entity. But I didn't like the idea of being haunted.

I was at a bar one night and saw one of my housemates from the 3rd floor there and invited her to sit with me. It took a few drinks but I finally brought up the subject of the ghost. I asked if she'd seen anything funny because she actually used to live in my apartment years before. She got really excited and said "You've seen him too?" The fact that she knew he was male was unsettling...then we compared notes. I remembered from seeing him on the stairs in that first dream that he had dark hair, was in his late twenties/early thirties, good looking, and had a kind face. (Damn, why couldn't he be alive? He comforted me in my emo-ness) and she confirmed all those details. Her roommate actually saw him in a mirror while she was doing her hair, they'd feel his presence from time to time, etc. Then she told me her own experience...she never saw him but one night they were cooking and disabled the smoke alarm. That night when she went to bed she heard his voice, clear as day: "Fix the smoke detector" She, obviously scared shitless just whispered that she would fix it first thing in the morning.

I wondered who he was and what he wanted. I knew somehow that his name was Chris...it was the only name that would be agreeable to the thought (and trust me I went through a lot of names and he didn't agree with any of them in my mind) I tried to be brave and face him during the 'dreams' which were escalating and becoming much more frequent. But it became clear that I was never going to be brave enough to even look at him. I vocalized one night "Please stop trying to speak with me. I'm too scared to talk to you. I'm sorry, I wish I could help you but I'm too afraid. Feel free to stay, but let's just 'co-exist' without the creepiness." And that was seriously the end of it. I never had another waking dream again. Not. a. one.

I guess if ghosts do exist, I got lucky. It could have been some creepy restless spirit or a demon. I contacted The Toronto Ghosts and Hauntings Research Society and shared my story with them. I didn't want them to publish it though as I didn't want to bring attention to the house and possibly piss Chris off. They in turn, did some research on the house and couldn't find any information about anyone dying there. I still wonder who he was.

Point of the story (is there EVER one with me?) I'm scared of ghosts...Paranormal Activity scared me. I would totally watch it again, too.