I wrote a sizable post an hour ago and posted it...then deleted it. I re-read what I wrote and I'm not ready to fully confront my anxiety problem. I'm a woman with many worries over things that pale in comparison to the shit other people are dealing with in the world. My problems are lucky compared to some of that.
I saw my Nanny today. She's doing poorly. It's like she did a 180 in a month. It's strange to see her behaving this way. Now when she sees me, she's not 'happy' to see me because she loves me, but she's 'happy' to see me because she's being polite. She's so confused and her hearing is almost completely shot. She's become very negative and defensive. She was disgusted by her supper when weeks ago she was so delighted with the exact same meal. Instead of laughing off my mom's silly banter with her, she got accusatory and offended. And she can't help it. She was very sweet with the kids though, she even remembered that there were twins in the family. She knew of my nephew Nelson.
I wonder how much of her I actually saw. I wonder if she internalized a lot of her thoughts when she was younger and in better health. I wonder if she loved her life. I hope so.
In other news, my son is going to give me a heart attack by the time I'm 35. He has to try running onto the road. He has to stand up on my mom's bed and walk backwards. He has to try climbing out of the bed of my dad's parked truck. I am a nervous wreck and I wish he could for once sit quietly reading a book or be content playing with Rayna in one place. But that wouldn't be him.
Did anyone else grab the popcorn when they announced Bin Laden was dead? Or was I being insensitive on that one? What's next?
I saw my Nanny today. She's doing poorly. It's like she did a 180 in a month. It's strange to see her behaving this way. Now when she sees me, she's not 'happy' to see me because she loves me, but she's 'happy' to see me because she's being polite. She's so confused and her hearing is almost completely shot. She's become very negative and defensive. She was disgusted by her supper when weeks ago she was so delighted with the exact same meal. Instead of laughing off my mom's silly banter with her, she got accusatory and offended. And she can't help it. She was very sweet with the kids though, she even remembered that there were twins in the family. She knew of my nephew Nelson.
I wonder how much of her I actually saw. I wonder if she internalized a lot of her thoughts when she was younger and in better health. I wonder if she loved her life. I hope so.
In other news, my son is going to give me a heart attack by the time I'm 35. He has to try running onto the road. He has to stand up on my mom's bed and walk backwards. He has to try climbing out of the bed of my dad's parked truck. I am a nervous wreck and I wish he could for once sit quietly reading a book or be content playing with Rayna in one place. But that wouldn't be him.
Did anyone else grab the popcorn when they announced Bin Laden was dead? Or was I being insensitive on that one? What's next?
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